Saturday, January 26, 2013

A Study in Acts Week 3

Acts Chapter 3

Verses 1-10 – One of the characteristics of the healings recorded in the New Testament is that they  occurred immediately. The only exception was when Jesus healed a blind man (Mark 8:22-26).

First the man could only see formless people walking around. The second time Jesus touched him he was healed completely. Perhaps Jesus healed the occipital lobe of the brain, which receives images first, then healed the rest of it: the parts that use the information to move the eyes, navigate through space, direct hand motion, remember what had been seen, recognize objects,etc.

Here Peter heals a crippled beggar. The man had asked for money, but neither Peter nor John had an;y to give. Instead, they gave him something more precious than money or healing. They brought him to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ.

Verses 11-16 – Here Peter speaks to the Jews in the Temple. They had come to find out what was going on.

Peter used the words ‘The God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob’. These are the same words that God used in Exodus 3:6, 15, when God introduced himself to Moses.

This miracle happened because God had glorified Jesus (given great honor and power). He had given power to His disciples to act in His name.

Peter tells them that Jesus’ blood was on their shoulders, but that thought they had killed Him, God had raised Him.

Peter acknowledges that the men had acted in ignorance (“…for they know not what they do.”).  He explained how all of this had been prophesied by “…prophets long ago (verse 21).”

He implored them to repent and realize that Jesus was their awaited Messiah.

Three things Peter said would happen if they would turn to Jesus: 1) God would forgive their sin (verse 19); 2) He would give them peace (times of refreshing-verse19) and 3)He wold send Jesus, Messiah (the anointed one).

He does the same for us when we repent and turn to Christ, trusting in, and only in, His finished work at the cross of Calvary.

Verses 17-26 – Now Peter recounts the words of Moses from Deuteronomy 18:15, 18 & 19.  This was to remind them that the one who received the Old Covenant had predicted the Christ of the New Covenant. He tells them that all of the prophets had pointed to this same Christ.

As we will see in Chapter 4, this sermon did not sit well with our old friends the priests and the Sadducees.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

A Study in Acts Week 2

Acts Chapter 02

Verses 1-4 – Pentecost was 50 days after Passover. This was the day the Jews commemorated the giving of the Law to Moses. For the Christian, this is the third in the series of important events: 1) the crucifixion; 2) the resurrection and now 3) the giving of the Holy Spirit. Isn’t it interesting that we have 3 major events to begin the Christian experience?

The Holy Spirit was not a wind. For want of a better description, Luke records that His coming was like a wind. Likewise, he tells us that, although the Holy Spirit was not a tongue of fire, His anointing of each person present seemed like fire. This is reminiscent of the burning bush when God gave the Ten Commandments.

When we trust in, and only in, the finished work of Christ at the cross of Calvary and His resurrection, we receive the gift of the Holy Spirit who stays in us and fills us all.

In this instance, the Holy Spirit gave the disciples the power to speak in different languages. That was because there were people gathered there from all over the world and in order for them to understand what was happening, they would have to hear the proceedings in their own native tongues.

The Greek word translated tongues in verses 3, 4, 11, and 26 is glossa. It means language, as in my native language is English. It is the Greek translation of the Hebrew lashon.

In Verse 8 the word used is the Greek word dialektos. It means a specific dialect of a language, such as Cuban is a dialect of Spanish, Mexican is another. In our country we have Southern dialects (Y’all spoken here), New Jersey dialects, etc.

There was a phenomenon practiced in Judaism and many pagan cultures for which the Greek word was glossalalia. It presented itself in a kind of mystical babbling, suggestive of shamanism, and was very much like what some denominations practice as speaking in tongues today. This word is not used in the New Testament.

Note that the manifestation of the Holy Spirit in chapter 2 of Acts was for the purpose of communicating with the people gathered. Today, the Holy Spirit empowers us to tell the Good News and always magnifies Christ above Himself. He tells us that Christ is sufficient, and that we do not need some outward sign or wonder that He brings salvation to all who will receive it.

Verses 5-13 – Men from every nation were gathered, and when each person heard the believers speak, he heard them in his own language. Their response was, “These are illiterates from Galilee! Why can we understand them in our own language?” Some of them scoffed and others accused them of being drunk.

Verses 14-21 – Peter explained what was happening and proclaimed that it was all connected to the “Day of the Lord,” that is the Good News of Christ. He spoke from Joel 2:28-32.

Verses 22-36 – Peter reiterates that he is referring to Jesus’ death and resurrection. The people who killed Jesus were Roman, but their reason for executing Him was to quiet the Pharisees, Sadducees and the priest who accused Him of blasphemy. Peter quotes from Psalm 16:8-11 to remind them that David had said God would not let His Holy One’s body be destroyed in the grave.

Verses 37-41 – The people wanted to know how they could avail themselves of this Good News. Here Peter told them to repent, receive baptism in the name of Jesus and receive God’s gift of salvation and the Holy Spirit. You receive the Holy Spirit as part of your “salvation package.”

Three thousand people repented, were saved and received the Holy Spirit that day!

Verses 42-47 – In the first church, they met together, ate together, learned together and grew together. Theirs was a life of doing, not just hearing the preaching.

On a related subject, you have heard the expression, “That’s the greatest thing since sliced bread.” You may have wondered, “What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?” It was the broken bread of the Bread of Life.”

These people performed miracles. Remember, miracles are not things that happen for which there is an earthly or scientific explanation. A miracle is an event that God gives that cannot happen otherwise. The parting of the Red Sea, the defeat of Jericho, the virgin birth were all miracles.

The greatest miracle of all is the miracle of a soul set free by repenting of sin and accepting God’s gift of salvation. When one is saved, there should be something like a burning in the heart as the Holy Spirit takes up residence there. He should then inspire us to become doers, and not just hearers of the Word.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

A Study in Acts Week 1


Acts Chapter 01

“Scholars” disagree about who wrote the book of Acts.  I think that’s incredible, since the writer picks up right where he left off at the end of the book of Luke.

In Luke 24:49, Luke quotes Jesus as saying, “I am going to send you what my Father has promised; but stay in the city until you have been clothed with power from on high.”

Acts is divided into 6 sections: 1) The growth of the church; 2) The spread of the Good News in Samaria and other parts of the region; 3) How Paul met Jesus on the road to Damascus, a Syrian city; 4) The gospel reaches more countries; 5) How the Good News reached Europe and 6) Paul reaches Rome.

Verses 1-3 – Acts begins with the writer telling Theophilus about what he wrote in his former book, the book of Luke. He says that he had written about what Jesus did and preached. Then he picks up where he left off with Jesus words, “Do not leave Jerusalem, but wait for the gift my Father promised…you will be baptized with the Holy Spirit.”

It is unreasonable to think the writer could have been anyone but Luke.

Verses 4-9 – The disciples demonstrate once again that they did not understand what Jesus had told them would happen at the cross, and what His kingdom was about.

Jesus tells them again about the “power from on high” that would be theirs

In verse 9, Luke retells the accension found in Luke 24:50-53.

Verses 10-11 – The two men in white clothes see, to have been angels with a message. They testified that Jesus would come back in the same way He left.

Verses 12-14 – The disciples went back to the room where they were to wait for the Holy Spirit (although they didn’t know exactly who or what they were waiting for). Luke lists all of the disciples except Judas. In the rest of Acts, the only ones he mentions are Peter, James and John.

Women were first allowed to pray with men in verse 14. Until then, they had to be separate from the men.

Verses 15-20 – Peter addressed the group concerning Judas. He reminded them that Judas was predicted in Psalms 69:25 and that he must be replaces as predicted in Psalm 109:8.

Verses 21-36 – Two men were discussed to replace Judas, Joseph and Matthias. (Joseph was also called Barsabbas (son of the Sabbath) as well as by his gentile name, Justus).

The phrase “cast lots” was the customary way to involve God in the process of decision making. They wrote each man’s name on a stone, put the stones in a jar and shook the jar until one stone fell out. The man whose name was on the stone was considered God’s choice.

This all took place after praying about the matter. The stone with Matthias’ name fell out, and he was chosen.

This was the last New Testament record of this type of decision making. After the Holy Spirit came, the disciples no longer needed to cast lots. Instead, they allowed the Holy Spirit to guide their decision making.

In our church, we vote. It is important that we steep our voting in the leadership of the Holy Spirit. If we do so, our vote will be a uniting event. If there is divisiveness in a vote, you can be certain the Holy Spirit was not guiding. Too often we vote based on our opinions about something, rather than on the basis of the leadership of the Holy Spirit. The result is division, which is NEVER the will of God.

He is a God of unity, not of division. If there is no unity, there should be no vote.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

A Study in Luke Week 24

Luke Chapter 24

Verses 1-12 – When the women arrived at the tomb of Jesus, his body was not there. As usual, when the angel appeared he evoked fear. He asked, “Why are you looking in a place for dead people for someone who is alive?” Then they explained, “He is not here. He has risen.” They reminded the women that He had told them about this. The women just had not been able process the information. They didn’t understand.

According to verse 11, the apostles thought the women were speaking nonsense and did not believe them. Even though they had been told what would happen, they had not understood it, neither had they accepted it.

The resurrection is key to the Christian experience. Without it, we are just hopeless, wishful thinkers (I Corinthians 15:12-17).

Those who don’t believe in the resurrection align themselves with the Sadducees, who did not believe in a resurrection.

Verses 13-35 – Two “followers of Jesus” were on their way to Emmaus. They were discussing crucifixion and the events leading up to it and after it. Jesus used the Books of Moses all the way through the prophets to explain that what had happened was exactly what God had said would happen.

That is how I know that the Bible is God’s revelation of His character, His love for His creation and His plan for its redemption. All interpretations that do not reveal these three things are dead wrong…eternally dead wrong.

Jesus acted as though He was going to “go on His way.” They invited Him to dinner.

Jesus does not invite Himself into our hearts, He waits for us to invite Him in through faith.

Jesus went to eat with the men. The moment he broke the loaf of bread, they recognized Him. Then He just disappeared.

These two men went and shared what had happened to them with the disciples and the other people.

Whereas they had been discouraged, now they were encouraged. When we meet the risen Savior, it fills us with encouragement.

Verses 36-49 – Imagine their surprise when Jesus appeared again and “stood among them.” He said, “Shalom” (peace be with you). Jesus is peace and He was with them.

The disciples struggled with what they were seeing. Jesus demonstrated that He was real by asking for some food. (Clearly He was a Baptist, as Baptists always eat when they gather together.)

Once again He reiterates that the three parts of the Hebrew Old Testament were all about Him. He also told them that repentance had to happen before they received the forgiveness of God.

Jesus tells them that “what the Father had promised” (the Holy Spirit) would be given them as they waited in Jerusalem (see what Luke wrote in Acts 2 about the Holy Spirit coming on them).

Verses 50-53 – Jesus walked with them as far as Bethany, then He blessed them and left them.

The good news in Luke’s Gospel began with Zechariah in the Temple. He received God’s promise about Jesus the Christ (Messiah). It culminates with the disciples praising God in the Temple.

They are waiting for the Holy Spirit, whom the Lord Jesus Christ has promised to send to them.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Luke’s Lamb of God


Luke Chapter 2

Verses 1-7 – The birth of Jesus could not logically have happened the way it was predicted in the Old Testament, most notably in Micah 5:2.  “…one will come for me, one who will be ruler over Israel, whose origins are from of old, from ancient times.”

No one would have expected Messiah to come out of Bethlehem unless they were very knowledgeable of the Scripture.

Joseph and Mary did not live in Bethlehem, they lived in Nazareth. The trip to Bethlehem was long and rugged and would have not even been considered by a pregnant woman.

For the Messiah to be born in the right location (Bethlehem), a series of events worked together to bring that to pass.

A pagan emperor named Caesar Augustus living thousands of miles away issues a decree that all his subjects be registered and taxed.  This order for a census is sent out far and wide.

The call is issued in Israel and Joseph takes Mary and returns to the ancestral of his family, Bethlehem.

The birth of Jesus could not have logically happened...but it did.

From this we know that Caesar may have been ruling, but God was overruling!

Why would the King of Kings be born into poverty?

2 Cor. 8:9 gives us the answer “For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that, though he was rich, yet for your sakes he became poor, that you through his poverty might be rich.”

The cloths used to wrap Jesus were the same kind used to wrap dead bodies for burial. Even in His birth we have a picture of His death.

Jesus was born in a feeding trough and became the “Bread of Life” (John 6:35.

When someone important comes near you, say a Hollywood celebrity, a governor or even the president of the United States, how comfortable do you feel? Could Jesus have come in humble surroundings so that we would feel comfortable in His presence?

Verses 8-20 – Why were the shepherds an important part of the birth of Christ?

Shepherds were hard men who had to deal with the worlds most base troubles. (Remember David had to ward off lions, wolves and bears.) They were often crude, vile men, known for their sinful lives and considered ceremonially unclean. Society considered them the lowest of the low.

What do shepherds do for a living? What was done with the lambs they shepherded? And what was Jesus called: The Lamb of God.

This picture tells us that anybody, from any walk of life can be used of God.

Why do you think God sent an angel to the shepherds?

When the shepherds went to spread the news, where did they find the courage to tell this outrageous story?

How do you think people responded to them when they told people about the Baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger?


Notice that after they had seen the Christ Child, these formerly vile, vulgar, crude men returned to their flocks glorifying and praising God.

What do you think the shepherds’ lives were like following these events?

That God would send His darling Son Jesus into this world to die for sinners is a blessing beyond description.  That He would love us to that level is amazing beyond the power of words to describe.

Of course, it is nothing more than a story until you experience the power of the Lamb of God in a personal way.

You may enjoy hearing the Christmas story and you may love Christmas time, but you have missed the real meaning altogether if you have never trusted Jesus as your Savior.

Until you have received the Lamb of God as your personal Savior and until you know the power of His salvation, you will never really understand Christmas and the wonder of what God did when He provided His Lamb for the sins of the world.

Are you in a personal relationship with Jesus today?  If you are, then you know what I am talking about.

If you are not, you can come to know Him if you will come before Him and trust Him by faith.

Will you do that today?  Will you embrace Heaven’s Lamb as the Savior of your soul?  The Lamb was provided for you, but He will do you no good unless you come to Him in faith, trusting in, and only in , the finished work of Christ at the cross of Calvary.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

A Study in Luke Week 23


Luke Chapter 23
Verses 1-7 – Pilate was in Jerusalem, not because he celebrated Passover, but because he feared unruliness from the throngs of people there. The priests and Pharisees who had brought Jesus to Pilate lied about what he had done. He had, in fact, told people to pay taxes to Caesar. Jesus claims to be “King of the Jews,” but Biblical context lets us know that He referred to His spiritual kingdom, not a political one.

Learning that Jesus was from Galilee, Pilate sent Him to Herod. He hoped Herod Antipas, son of Herod the Great, would handle the Jesus problem for him.

Herod Antipas, after renouncing his first wife he married Herodias, the former wife of his half brother Herod Philip, who brought her daughter Salome with her to Antipas’ court. He’s the one who had John the Baptist beheaded.

Verses 8-12 - Herod thought of Jesus as some sort of magician and wanted Him to perform some miracles for him. However, when Jesus refused to even so much as answer his questions, Herod was not happy with Him. Herod and Pilate formed a sort of alliance.

Verses 13-25 – Pilate declared that Jesus was not guilty of the “crimes” the Jewish leaders had accused Him of. He was not inclined to execute Jesus. But the Jewish leaders persisted, so Pilate offered them a way out: choose to execute Jesus or the murderer, Barabbas. They chose to release Barabbas and to have Jesus executed.

Verses 26-31 – Although Jesus was executed by Roman soldiers, we need to be very clear that Jesus was placed on the cross to pay a penalty He did not owe: the penalty of OUR sins. In verses27-30, Jesus foretells a time when the world will suffer unbearable calamity. Those times are within our view today.

Verses 32-43 – Isaiah’s prophecy that Jesus would be counted among sinners was fulfilled at the cross (Isaiah 53:12). He was crucified on a “hill” named Golgotha. “Calvary” is the Latin translation of that word. Both names mean “skull.”

When Jesus said, “Father forgive them…” he was referring to the Roman soldiers, who were only following orders. One of the others being crucified beside Jesus challenged His Messiahship. The other recognized it. One was saved. One was not.

Verses 44-49 – Lots of theories have been bandied about concerning the darkness in the land: some sort of solar eclipse, a cloud of dust and many others, but none account for what really happened.

The curtain that was torn in the temple was huge. It’s purpose was to separate the people from God. When it split, it signified that people no longer had to be separated from God because of what Jesus accomplished at the cross. Jesus’ death did not bring the expected calming of the crowds.

Verses 50-56 – Jesus was buried in a borrowed tomb because He was only going to need it for three days. Most of the crucified were thrown into a common grave, but Jesus was given a tomb fit for a king.

The women from Galilee saw where the *tomb was. But they had no time to prepare the body. They usually put oils, which smelled sweet, on it. Nicodemus helped Joseph to put *spices between the strips of cloth (John 19:38-40). The women wanted to finish doing this.

They went back to where they were staying in Jerusalem. The Sabbath ended at sunset on Saturday.

Sunday was on its way.

Friday, December 07, 2012

A Study in Luke Week 22


Luke Chapter 22

Verses 1-6 – Passover was a commemoration of what God had done for the Jews in Egypt after the plagues of frogs, gnats, flies, on livestock, of boils, hail, locusts and darkness had failed to soften Pharaoh's heart.

The apostles (the 12 men whom Jesus chose to be his special helpers) were followers, but were not yet saved. We know that because Satan cannot indwell a saved person. Judas was the treasurer of the group, but actually stole from them often. He made a deal with the chief priests to turn Jesus over to them.

Verses 7-13 – Jesus instructed Peter and John to prepare the Passover meal. This will become what we call “Communion,” or more properly, “The Lord’s Supper.”

Verses 14-23 – The completion of Passover did not happen in Egypt, it happened in Christ, who became the Passover Lamb.

Verses 24-30 – The apostles still didn’t get it. They wanted to know which of them would be “greatest” in the Kingdom of God. This was the second time they had brought up this subject see Luke 9:46-48). Jesus responded that the Kingdom of God is very different from what they were expecting, and there would be no “pecking order” there.

Verses 31-34 – Simon was Peter’s name before he met Jesus, and Jesus used it to get his attention. Then he calls him “Rock,” the meaning of his name, Peter. He predicts Peter’s denial of Him.

Verses 35-38 – Jesus tells the disciples that all of the Scriptures concerning the Messiah would come true. He called Himself the Suffering Servant, from Isaiah 53:12.

Verses 39-46 – Jews prayed standing, but here Jesus falls on His knees. I do not believe He was praying about the physical pain He was about to endure, but the pain of being forsaken by His Father. The price paid for our sin is more terrible than we can begin to imagine.

Verses 47-53 – Judas led the priests and a Roman contingent of soldiers to Jesus, where he betrayed Him with a kiss. Peter cut off Malchus’ ear (John 18:10-11). Jesus healed him and put an end to the apostles’ aggression.

Jesus had given them plenty of opportunity to arrest Him in the Temple, but they didn’t want His followers to see them do it. Instead, they chose to do Satan’s work away from the crowds, in the cover of darkness…Satan’s darkness.

Verses 54-62 – Peter denied that he knew Jesus out of fear and cowardice. His denials must have seemed hollow, because some of those around him were apparently with him when he cut of Malchus’ ear.

Verses 63-65 – Jesus’ persecution and prosecution had begun. The Sanhedrin were not interested in justice. They would not call the requisite number of witnesses to testify against Jesus.

Verses 66-71 – When the Sanhedrin asked whether Jesus was the “Messiah,” they were asking about an earthly king. Jesus recognized that they would not believe Him if He told them the true nature of His being.

In verse 70 they asked Jesus a direct question about his relationship to God. He did not deny that he was ‘the’ Son of God. This had multiple meanings, including about Mary and Joseph.

Verse 71 The Sanhedrin said that this was ‘blasphemy’. They said that he was guilty. But they had broken their own laws.

Two witnesses had to agree about the person that they accused.

The Sanhedrin should not have asked a direct question.

There was another law. They could decide that someone was guilty. Then they had to wait for a day before they decided his punishment.

But they were so anxious to kill Jesus that they broke their own rules. They did not have the authority themselves to kill Jesus. So they made up charges that the Roman ruler, Pilate, would consider serious.

Sunday, December 02, 2012

SUNDAY SOUNDS OF PRAISE-Do You Hear What I Hear-Mannheim Steamroller





Do You Hear What I Hear? 
Said the night wind to the little lamb 
 Do you see what I see? 
 'Way up in the sky, little lamb 
 Do you see what I see? 
A star, a star
Dancing in the night 
 With a tail as big as a kite
With a tail as big as a kite 

 Said the little lamb to the shepherd boy 
 Do you hear what I hear? 
Ringing thru the sky, shepherd boy 
Do you hear what I hear? 
 A song, a song
High above the tree 
With a voice as big as the sea
With a voice as big as the sea 

 Said the shepherd boy to the mighty king 
Do you know what I know? 
In your palace warm, mighty king 
 Do you know what I know? 
A Child, a Child
Shivers in the cold 
 Let us bring Him silver and gold
Let us bring Him silver and gold 

 Said the king to the people ev'rywhere 
Listen to what I say! 
Pray for peace, people ev'rywhere 
 Listen to what I say! 
The Child, the Child
Sleeping in the night 
 He will bring us goodness and light
He will bring us goodness and light

Saturday, December 01, 2012

A Study in Luke Week 21

 Luke Chapter 21

Verses 1-4 – Jesus was teaching in the Court of the Women, also called The Treasury.

The Court of the Women was so-called, not because its use was solely reserved for women but because this was the farthest they were allowed to proceed into the Temple.

Women, who had come to purify themselves after childbirth, as Mary did (Luke 2.24), were allowed to stand in the side opening and watch the sacrifices being offered on the altar. It was in this court also that, when Joseph and Mary took Jesus to Jerusalem to present him to the Lord (Luke 2.22), they met with Simeon and Anna the prophetess.

Israelite men could proceed through the Nicanor Gate into the Court of the Israelites to bring their sacrifices.

The Apostle Paul, who preached primarily to the Gentiles (except for his letter to the Hebrews, which was a commentary for the Jews of his letter to the Romans), and was the first to allow women directly into the place of worship and sacrifice.

Verses 5-6 – The Temple was a magnificent building. Its construction is described in I Kings, chapters 5-8. The instructions for building it were detailed and organized, as is God, Himself.

Jesus predicted the destruction of the building, and 40 years later it happened.

Verses 7-19 – In the King James Version of the Bible, Jesus is quoted as saying, “…many shall come in my name, saying I am Christ. Notice that in the KJV this word is in italics. That means the Greek word “Christos” is not in the best original texts.

In most other translations, the phrase is translated “I am he,” but the word “he” does not occur in the best original texts, either.

The actual words used here are “ego aimi” I AM. These are the same words Jesus used when He identified Himself as the “I AM,” such as in Mark 14:62 and John 18:6.

Many will come claiming to be God or the returned Christ, but we are not to be swayed, influenced or convinced by them.

There are perilous times ahead, even for Christian Americans. Today in America there is an all-out war on things Christian. There towns that no longer allow Christian displays, Christian prayers or Christian speech in public. But we must understand them as signs that the return of Christ is “near.”

Verses 20-24 – Jesus stated that the predictions of the prophets would be realized. He especially thought of expectant mothers.

Where was He when He thought of them? See above. He was in the Court of the Women, where mothers had themselves “purified” after childbirth.

Verses 25-33 – Strange things will happen to the sun, moon and stars, just as prophesied in the Old Testament (eg.: Amos 8:9 and Joel3:15) . “This generation” (verse 32) is a reference to the “church age.” Jesus’ words are eternal. They always have been true, are true now and always will be true, even after time is no more.

Verses 34-36 – If we concentrate on the circumstances of our time and spend our time in physical pursuits, we will miss the signs of His return.

His return will take place quickly, in the twinkling (not the blinking) of an eye (the speed of light).

Verses 37-38 – Jesus continued to teach in the Temple Court every morning after sleeping on the Mount of Olives. People thronged to hear His teaching.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

A PUN MY WORD

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested.
"Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

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2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed in a fire, and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

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3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted,
"Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded,
"Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

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4. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the Medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

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5. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely, saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

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6. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one Slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws of the other two hides.
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7. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."