ROMANS - PART 1

Romans is an incredible book. It contains the finest theology of God ever written.

The path of Romans starts with God's creation, dives into Hell, climbs and falls as indicated in the graph and culminates in a thrilling, magnificent triumph of God's people in Christ.

THREE THINGS YOU SHOULD LOOK FOR IN ROMANS:

Understanding of the basic facts of salvation

Unusual conviction about matters pertaining to the faith

Usefulness in practical Christian service.
　

The Verses:

1. Paul's own claim to apostleship is likewise based on the divine call of Christ (Rom 1:1; 1 Col 1:1; Gal 1:1, 15; cf. 2 Col 1:1; Eph 1:1; Col 1:1; 1 Tim 1:1; 2 Tim 1:1; Titus 1:1). He is an apostle, "not from men nor by man, but by Jesus Christ and God the Father, who raised him from the dead" (Gal 1:1). His encounter with the resurrected Jesus served as the basis for his unique claim to be an "apostle to the Gentiles" (Rom 11:13). Paul bases his apostleship on the grace of God, not on ecstatic gifts or the signs of an apostle (2 Cor. 12). His apostolic commission is to serve God primarily through preaching the gospel (Rom 1:9; 15:19; 1 Col 1:17).

Paul uses the term to refer to those who had been commissioned by the risen Lord to the apostolic task. Included in this category are the Twelve (although he never explicitly applies the title of apostle to them as a group), Peter (Gal 1:18), Paul himself (Rom 1:1; 1 Col 1:1; 9:1-2; 15:8-10; Gal 2:7-8), James the brother of Jesus (Gal 1:19; cf. Acts 15:13), Barnabas (1 Col 9:1-6; Gal 2:9; cf. Acts 14:4, 14), and possibly others (Ro 16:7). In addition to understanding apostleship in terms of its basis in a divine call, Paul views the life of an apostle as being one of self-sacrificial service that entails suffering (1 Col 4:9-13; 15:30-32; 2 Col 4:7-12; 11:23-29).

2. We have been studying the gospel as promised in the Old Testament. Now here it is revealed by Matthew, Mark, Luke, John and Paul.

3. The human side of Christ (who was fully man and fully God)

4. The Holy Spirit had the authority to proclaim Christ the Son of God.

5. All people who come to God come through Christ, and come to Him through faith. There is no other way.

6. Paul reassured the Romans that they, too, belong to Jesus.

7. The letter is written to the church in Rome (not the Roman Catholic Church, which did not exist yet). Paul’s common greeting: Grace and Peace from God and Jesus.
8. The church at Rome is known throughout the known world for their faith. How are we known?
9. Paul thinks of the church at Rome often, God is his witness to that fact.

10. Through 13 Paul indicates his wish to go to Rome to visit them.
　
14 – 17 Repeats Habakkuk 2:4. We’re talking the Good News, here, known and lived by faith.

18 – 32 God’s wrath against mankind is evident: in nature; through conscience; through sin.

Chapter 2

The Verses:

1 – 16 The reason we are separated from God: Because of our stubbornness and unwillingness to know The Truth.

17 – 28 The false belief that adherence to the Law makes one right with God. The difference between what’s on the outside and what’s on the
inside of a person.

Chapter 3

The Verses

1 – 8 Deals with the faithfulness of God and the lack of faith of man. God is not to be compared to mankind. He is far above man.

9 – 20 Not one single person has ever been, is now or ever will be righteous in his own nature.

HOW LONG?

WATCH THIS VIDEO AND BE AWARE AND WARNED.





WHAT DID YOU THINK?

THE DEEP THOUGHTS OF C.S. LEWIS

Certainly one of our great Christian writers, C.S. Lewis was an outstanding apologist, as well as a great writer of narrative.

Here are some of my favorite C.S. Lewis quotations:

A man can no more diminish God's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, 'darkness' on the walls of his cell.

Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important.

Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point.

Education without values, as useful as it is, seems rather to make man a more clever devil.

God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing.

How incessant and great are the ills with which a prolonged old age is replete.

Humans are amphibians - half spirit and half animal. As spirits they belong to the eternal world, but as animals they inhabit time.

I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.

If the whole universe has no meaning, we should never have found out that it has no meaning: just as, if there were no light in the universe and therefore no creatures with eyes, we should never know it was dark. Dark would be without meaning.

If you read history you will find that the Christians who did most for the present world were precisely those who thought most of the next. It is since Christians have largely ceased to think of the other world that they have become so ineffective in this.

It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad.

It's so much easier to pray for a bore than to go and see one.

Of all tyrannies a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive.

The safest road to hell is the gradual one - the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones, without signposts.

There are two kinds of people: those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, "All right, then, have it your way."

This is one of the miracles of love: It gives a power of seeing through its own enchantments and yet not being disenchanted.

You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.

GOOD STUFF TO CONSIDER

The following was written by Christian radio personality, Brant Hanson. It deserves your attention.

A friend of mine did something really, really bad a couple years ago. Real bad. Not illegal bad, but...bad enough that even this week, it showed up on page two of a metro newspaper, a thousand miles away from where he did it.

I love this guy. He's fun, smart, and fairly new to Christian belief. He's accepted responsibility for what he did, and he's had to live with it every day. He told me the other day he was sorry even I was having to deal with it now. "I'm amazed how many people this has affected. One stupid, wrong decision I made and it keeps affecting so many people. My wife, my kids...it just keeps going."

And so it does. We marvelled at that, and, just stood there, quietly, just shaking our heads. Amazing? Yes. But not really surprising. The older I get, the more convinced I am there is no private sin. They don't all wind up on page two, but the surface of the pond is never undisturbed by the pebble. The ripples move well beyond ourselves, and, in many cases they radiate through generations.

Or, another recent example: One day, you're a minister getting in a quick ego-stroking flirt, thinking you're in some kind of private soap opera...and soon, there are 300 people in a flourescent-lit room, on metal folding chairs, discussing what you did. And they're cautioning each other not to judge you, and then they talk some more about what you did.

And then, some little kid you dont even know, like my daughter, has to hear some stranger talking in church about how the pastor-guy won't be back, he did something called "sexual misconduct."

Your soap opera? It wasn't private. Sins on the computer aren't private. Larry Ellison, from Oracle, said years ago: If you think he doesn't know what's on your hard drive, you're kidding yourself. By the way, Google knows, too.

But even if they didn't know, the sins in your head aren't private. Mine affect my attitude. They keep me from being concerned about other people. They make me a jerk, in seemingly unrelated ways. ("Why's Brant a jerk?" "Probably something seemingly unrelated.")

There is no "private sin." Turns out few things have done more harm than the "do no harm" ethic. The as-long-as-it-doesn't-hurt-anyone-else construction of morality is built atop the swamp of affluence. We afford this lie, because affluence loves not only privacy, but the fantasy of it. But like the 77's said, "The lust, the flesh, the eyes, and the pride of life -- drain the life right out of me."

And then...I'm not the person I'm supposed to be. I'm less creative. I'm less joyful. I have less social energy. My patience is gone. I care less about my neighbors.

Private rebellion. Public consequence. And if it seems unfair that what my friend did was so horrible, but what you or I do in our minds is somehow not so horrible -- well, you agree with Jesus. There IS no difference.

The ripple metaphor works. There's a better one, really, for what our "private" sins do to each other, but I don't want to gross you out with a picture of a fan being hit by organic material. I have higher standards than that.

Plus, I Googled for 20 minutes and couldn't find one.

REMEMBER INDEPENDENCE DAY FOR WHAT IT MEANS TO AMERICA!

HAPPY 4th OF JULY!

GREAT INSPIRATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT

Let me break from my regular posting for a moment. (Like my current break hasn't been long enough).

I work as a part-time Production Director at a Christian radio station in Southwest Florida, Kingdom FM .

Mostly you hear me on announcements and the like nowadays, as I am only working quarter-time.

Kingdom FM is heavy into Praise and Worship music with great lyrical content.

I have a friend who has an Internet radio station that is the essence of peaceful, uplifting, encouraging Christian music and ministry.

If you need a peaceful sound, something you can keep on in the background where you work that is unobtrusive, yet has a great presence, may I recommend that you tune in to Christian Life Radio .

This is inspirational radio in the true sense of the word.

When I am at my radio or in my car, I listen to Kingdom FM.

At my computer, where I have no radio, I often listen to Christian Life Radio.

I recommend both of these stations to you, each for its own format.

Both are available online.

MEMORIAL DAY

A DAY TO REMEMBER PEOPLE

I happened to watch Bill Moyers' Journal, today.

I don't usually watch him very long at a time, because he is smug, arrogant, supercilious and all sorts of other negative adjectives.

He believes himself to be very intelligent. He is sure of it. He is confident of it.

Moyers may be well educated, but he has the wisdom of dead grass.

As he closed his show, he began one of his patented snidely worded leftist commentaries about the purpose of Memorial Day, which he proclaimed was for us to remember war.

What a stupid, hair-brained, mindless, tasteless, insensitive and irresponsible thing to say.

Hey Bill! News Flash for you!

Memorial Day is to remember PEOPLE, you know: the ones who gave their lives in service to our country in the United States Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, National Guard, Coast Guard and Merchant Marines.

What a total fool Bill Moyers is. Total fool.

My father served 31 years in the United States Air Force (actually the Army Air Corps, which later became the Air Force).

He was a man who HATED war, but understood when and why it was necessary.

Most people today like the HATE WAR part, but are too stupid to know when or why is necessary.

President BO is one of those.

Colonel Joseph E. Scoggins was a man of honor, integrity and deep conviction. He was a man of superior skill at his job, and a patriot extraordinaire.

Pappy, as everybody called him, even his superior officers, was a man of faith and a deacon at Central Baptist Church, Miami, Florida.

He served during World War II in the South Atlantic Corridor between South America and Africa.

My father became the Deputy Commander of the last two bases on which he served, Robins Air Force Base in Warner Robins, Georgia and Westover Air Force Base in Massachusetts.

Because of hundreds of thousands of men like him, you live in a country which, up to now, has had more freedom than any other in the history of the universe. And so today I honor my father and all of the men who served with him in both the Atlantic and the Pacific theaters, as well as all of those who have given either their very lives or their lives of service to this country in all of its wars, past and present.

A MEMORIAL DAY RECOGNITION TO YOU ALL

PERSONALLY SPEAKING

I came home Thursday from the world's ritziest hospital, following my heart attacks (two of them...one Monday and one at the hospital Thursday morning - three stents in several coronary arteries).

It had wall to wall polished wood cabinets, a built in desk, draperies/sheers/verticles on the windows, high def. TV, a great staff and beds worse than an old Army cot.

I was sent there because none of the local hospitals had a surgeon who could do the proceedure STAT.

The least little activities leaves me breathless and worn out, so with your permission I will continue NOT blogging for a day or so (this one does not count...OK?).

I will, however, read yours and comment as strength permits, so keep on writing.

Thanks for all of your patience, prayers and well-wishes. I really DO appreciate it.

ADDENDUM: I am feeling quite a bit better tonight and should be back to blogging...perhaps by tomorrow. Come by if you are so inclined.

SORRY 'BOUT THAT

It was my intention to get back to blogging on this site, but Monday I had a heart attack and had to be in the hospital for four days.

I am home now and will get back to blogging ASAP.

Keep me in your prayers.

Thanks

DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IT?

AN APPLICATION OF I CORINTHIANS 13 FOR THE CONTEMPORARY WORLD.

In my early days of Christian service, I was a Minister to Youth.

Many times I was asked to counsel young people about their "romantic" involvements, sometimes in the roll of pre-marital counselor.

Most often the girl in the situation wanted to know if the guy really loved her.

I used a standardized psychological test to help them with some basic understanding of interpersonal relationships, since few of them were enthusiastic enough about their Christian "faith" to try to find out what the Word of God had to say.

Once we finished the test, however, we would go straight to the best definition of love found anywhere in the universe, I Corinthians 13.

Here is its text:

1 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12 Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

After establishing the importance of love in verses 1-3, we would get to the definition, the most complete, comprehensive definition there is.

By the time we finished, one or the other or both of the parties knew whether they were "in love" God's way.

I used the passages as a test as follows:

Verse 4. "Love is patient, Love is kind It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud."

I would ask the girl, "Is he patient with you in all situations? Is he kind to you no matter what?"
The guy in the relationship would be asked the same question.

If each or either answered, "No," I would tell them they could not possibly love one another. If, on the other hand, the answer was, "Yes," I would tell them they might be in love and I would agree to go further with them.

"Is either of you envious of the other? Do you boast more about yourself than about the other one? Is either of you more proud of yourself than of your "partner?" would be the next question. "If so, you are not in love."

We would move to verse 5. "It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs."

This one is a little tougher.

Among teenagers and young adults, rudeness, self-centeredness and anger are almost a given.

But those three things ruin a marriage more quickly than anything else.

I would explain that God teaches us to be polite to one another, even when it is not easy to do so.

Then I would ask, "Have either of you used the phrase, 'If you loved me, you would...'?"

"That is conditional love, and has no place in a Christian relationship."

I would show them that thinking of others first is very important ["Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves." (Philippians 2:3, NIV)], and that anger is to be set aside [Ephesians 4:26 "Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:..."

I would ask, "Do either of you seek your own way first or get angry with the other one, allowing your anger to fester?"

I would explain that anger always has its roots in one not getting his/her own way and that if this condition exists, the relationship is not one of love.

Carrying a grudge, remembering past wrongs is also indicative that there is a problem...on the part of the one carrying the grudge.

In verse 6 we would read, "Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth."

Pure evil was not too often an issue, but failing to be truthful often was.

I would explain to them that love demands honesty. Not the hurtful kind, or the kind that runs around disguised as a compliment, like, "You're not nearly as ugly as everybody says you are."

The kind of honesty needed in a love relationship is the kind in which one does not hide things from the other.

Verse 7 tell us about love: "It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

I explained that each person in a love relationship must look out for the other, trust the other, and always have a positive attitude toward the future, being careful to preserve the relationship, no matter what.

Verse 8: "Love never fails."

Love just keeps on keeping on, as the marriage vow says, "...for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health...'til death do us part" (each of which is guaranteed).

"The marriage kind of love is forever," I would explain. It is a commitment and a contract which is entered into in the presence of and with Almighty God Himself.

The world's philosophy does not conform to that viewpoint. It tells us that if we get tired of the marriage, stressed in it, "fall out of love," or just want new horizons, we can always get a divorce.

The rest of the passage tell us that other things of the earth will pass, but mature love is the greatest thing God ever invented.

8. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12 Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

From I Corinthians 13 we learn that love is not an emotion, although emotions result from true love, but is a decision to behave a certain way toward the other person, regardless of the circumstance.

Then God demonstrated how far we are to take that love.

As Romans 5:8 says, "But God commendeth his love towards us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us."

THE WHOLE BIBLE IS ABOUT JESUS

I first posted this several years ago, but thought it was worth posting again.

See, I have learned that the Bible is not a book of history, although it contains the best history of Israel and the early church that has ever been written.

I have learned that the Bible is not a book of religious philosophy, although it contains the best religious philosophy ever written.

Neither is the Bible a book of science, wherever it and science disagree, the Bible is ALWAYS right.

The Bible is not a rulebook for living, although is contains the best rules for living that have ever been written.

The Bible IS God's revelation of His character, His love for His creation and His plan for its redemption.

God's plan for the redemption of man is in every word of the Word of God.

There is only one "stand alone" verse in all the Bible, and that is John 3:16 - "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish but have everlasting life."

When reading the Bible, it is important to read its passages in light of that one verse.

If you read it otherwise, you may learn some important things, but YOU WILL MISS THE POINT OF THE PASSAGE.

So, how do we find John 3:16 everywhere in the Word of God?

Look for Jesus.

Like this:

Jesus In Every Book of the Bible

In Genesis, He's the breath of life

In Exodus, the Passover Lamb

In Leviticus, He's our High Priest

Numbers, The fire by night

Deuteronomy, He's Moses' voice

In Joshua, He is salvation's choice

Judges, law giver

In Ruth, the kinsmen-redeemer

First and second Samuel, our trusted prophet

In Kings and Chronicles, He's sovereign

Ezra, true and faithful scribe

Nehemiah, He's the rebuilder of broken walls and lives

In Esther, He's Mordecai's courage

In Job, the timeless redeemer

In Psalms, He is our morning song

In Proverbs, wisdom's cry

Ecclesiastes, the time and season

In the Song of Solomon, He is the lover's dream

In Isaiah, He's Prince of Peace

Jeremiah, the weeping prophet

In Lamentations, the cry for Israel

Ezekiel, He's the call from sin

In Daniel, the stranger in the fire

In Hosea, He is forever faithful

In Joel, He's the Spirits power

In Amos, the arms that carry us

In Obadiah, He's the Lord our Savior

In Jonah, He's the great missionary

In Micah, the promise of peace

In Nahum, He is our strength and our shield

In Habakkuk and Zephaniah, He's pleading for revival

In Haggai, He restores a lost heritage

In Zechariah, our fountain

In Malachi, He is the son of righteousness rising with healing in His wings

In Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, He is God, Man, Messiah

In the book of Acts, He is fire from heaven

In Romans, He's the grace of God

In Corinthians, the power of love

In Galatians, He is freedom from the curse of sin

Ephesians, our glorious treasure

Philippians, the servants heart

In Colossians, He's the Godhead Trinity

Thessalonians, our coming King

In Timothy, Titus, Philemon He's our mediator and our faithful Pastor

In Hebrews, the everlasting covenantIn James, the one who heals the sick.

In First and Second Peter, he is our Shepherd

In John and in Jude, He is the lover coming for His bride

In the Revelation: He is King of Kings and Lord of Lords; He's the Prince of Peace; The Son of man; the Lamb of God; The great I AM.

He's the alpha and omega

Our God and our Savior

He is Jesus Christ the Lord and when time is no more

He is,

HE IS!

WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?

We have all read about, or seen a movie, or watched a TV program about some "cult" enticing people to join and then not allowing them to leave.

Typically, they engage in the "brainwashing" techniques of stimulus deprivation, sleep deprivation, intense re-training, thought control and other nefarious acts that make the cult member think he/she must not leave for fear of disappointing the leader and therefore, God.

But that's not the only kind of cult in existence today.

What are some of the characteristics of a cult (not to be confused with a "sect," which is a whole different thing)?

The first and most important determination of whether a group is a cult is their answer to the question, "Who is Jesus."

Any entity that gives any answer other than: He is the Son of God; the third Person of the Trinity; co-equal with God; the payer of the sin-debt owed by all of mankind through His death, burial and resurrection, is a cult.

There are some "well-respected" cults in America today, who would take issue with that definition.

Too bad.

They need to come to the saving knowledge of Christ Jesus as Lord.

So what do cults do?

Let's let simple arithmetic inform us.

Addition:

Cults add to Scripture.

The revelation of God provided in the Bible is never sufficient for a cult. Thus they must add to the written revelation of Scripture, usually with additional scriptures or with their own translation of the Bible.

In this way we have books that contradict the Word of God. Since the Bible claims exclusivity as the written revelation of God, we must see that other books, even if the followers of cults claim that they are equal to the Bible, must actually be over and above the Word of God.

Subtraction:

Cults subtract from the person of Christ.

Cults cannot tolerate the divinity and exclusivity of Jesus and thus usually reduce Him to being a created being.

In some cases they make Jesus only a manifestation or mode of God. In either case, the role of Jesus as revealed in Scripture is diminished.

Multiplication:

Cults multiply the requirements of salvation.

Salvation, as it is presented in the Scriptures, is by God's grace through faith alone.

Cults continually add to the requirements of salvation, always adding human works as a necessary prerequisite to salvation.

No cult teaches or endorses justification by faith alone. Thus all cults reject the very heart of the gospel.

Division:

Cults divide the loyalty of believers.

Each cult believes that it has exclusive revelation and understanding of God that ensures its followers are either exclusively God's people or are somehow more blessed than others.

Cults always seek to divide believers against each other based on the previous three marks.

Thus cults are, by their very nature, divisive.

I urge you to accept the offering of God found in John 3:16 - 16 "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.," and Romans 10:9 & 10 - "That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation."

Then you will have life, and have it abundantly.

HOPE YOU HAD A HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

WANT TO BE STOLEN FROM?

Think about it.

Do you realize that all anger results from not getting your own way?

Don't misunderstand.

Anger is not always bad.

Sometimes getting your own way is good because it happens to be the right way.

Nevertheless, learning to properly deal with and express anger so as to be productive rather than unproductive is very important. Anger is a natural emotion that each of us experiences.

When used correctly it can motivate us into action to complete a task or right an injustice.

This type of anger can give us a strong sense of accomplishment when we take immediate action to correct the injustice or perceived wrong.

However, anger can also be a thief.

When someone directs anger negatively toward themselves or others, anger steals from that person.

10 Things Anger Steals from You:

1. Anger can steal your time.

2. Anger can steal your energy.

3. Anger can steal your self-respect.

4. Anger can steal your relationships with family, friends and co-workers.

5. Anger can steal your ability to communicate effectively.

6. Anger can steal your sense of right and wrong.

7. Anger can steal your vision of the future.

8. Anger can steal your health.

9. Anger can steal your sense of well being.

10. Anger can steal your problem-solving skills.

If you don’t control your anger, it will control you. Uncontrolled anger is giving your personal power to someone or something else.

An important part of growing up is learning how to effectively deal with anger issues.

Questions you might like to ask yourself:

1. Is my anger holding me back from developing relationships, setting goals or effectively communicating my ideas?

2. Where is my anger directed?

3. What caused me to get upset?

4. Who can I talk with to help me understand my anger issues?

5. Is my anger to a point that I need some professional advice?

Quote for Discussion:

"To overcome difficulties is to experience the full delight of existence."

Ephesians 4:26 "In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry." (NIV)

SUNDAY SING, MAY 3

"Come, Thou Almighty King"
by Unknown Author

Hear it here: http://www2.mp3raid.com/search/download-mp3/4/instrumental_hymns.html

1. Come, Thou almighty King,
Help us Thy name to sing,
Help us to praise!
Father all-glorious,
O'er all victorious,
Come and reign over us,
Ancient of Days.

2. Come, Thou Incarnate Word,
Gird on Thy mighty sword,
Our prayer attend;
Come and Thy people bless
And give Thy Word success;
Stablish Thy righteousness,
Savior and Friend!

3. Come, holy Comforter,
Thy sacred witness bear
In this glad hour.
Thou, who almighty art,
Now rule in every heart
And ne'er from us depart,
Spirit of Power!

4. To the great One in Three
Eternal praises be
Hence evermore!
His sovereign majesty
May we in glory see
And to eternity
Love and adore!

I REFUSE TO BE A RELIGIOUS PERSON

A man told me the other day, "I don't believe in religion.

My response surprised him. I said, "I don't either."

Here's why: Religion says, "If I obey, God will love me." Gospel says, "Because God loves me, I can obey."

Religion has good people & bad people. Gospel has only repentant and unrepentant people.

Religion values a birth in the family. Gospel values a new birth in a life.

Religion depends on what I do. Gospel depends on what Jesus has done.

Religion claims that sanctification justifies me. Gospel claims that justification enables sanctification.

Religion has man reaching up to God. Gospel has the God reaching down to man.

Religion sees hardships as punishment for sin. Gospel sees hardship as sanctified affliction.

Religion is about me. Gospel is about Jesus.

Religion believes appearing as a good person is the key. Gospel believes that trusting Christ's finished work at Calvary is the key.

Religion has an uncertainty of standing before God. Gospel has certainty based upon Jesus' work.

Religion sees Jesus as the means. Gospel sees Jesus as the end.

Religion ends in pride or despair. Gospel ends in humble joy.

Religion says "If I can do enough good things, God will accept me." Gospel says, "Jesus has done the good work and therefore God will accept me."

Religion says, "Obey the Moral Law of God and He will love you. Gospel says, "Christ has fulfilled the Law on your behalf."

Religion says, "Your good works will impress God." Gospel says, "Without faith it is impossible to please God."

Religion says, "If I don't sin, I'll be saved." Gospel says, "All have sinned and come short of the glory of God."

Religion says, "I'm as good as the other guy." Gospel says, "Christ is the standard."

Religion says, "Keep looking for everlasting life." Gospel says, "Whosoever believeth in Him should not perish but have everlasting life."

WHAT'S IN YOUR SPIRITUAL WALLET?

You've seen the television commercials for Mastercard.

They start by identifying some things that people can buy with their Mastercard, then show a moment that is priceless and end by saying, "There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's Mastercard."

I Corinthians 5:20 tells us: "Now then we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God did beseech you by us: we pray you in Christ's stead, be ye reconciled to God."

You see, our lives are to be a "commercial" for others to see.

We should be a card carrying representative for the Master's Card. That's right, the MASTER'S CARD.

Let me tell you about it.

There are no finance charges, no payments due. The bill has already been covered...it's a pre-paid deal.

We couldn't afford the price, so Jesus stepped in and paid it for us.

Our name is written on the card for all to see.

It is accessible twenty-four hours a day from anywhere in the world.

The MASTER'S CARD has so many benefits it's hard to list them all.

Let me share some of them with you...you might want to apply for a personal card yourself.

Just for starters there is UNLIMITED GRACE.

That's right, there is no preset limit to the amount of grace you receive from the MASTER'S CARD.

Have you been looking for love in all the wrong places?

Then,look no farther than the MASTER'S CARD.

It offers the greatest rate on love that has ever been offered.

The MASTER'S CARD gives you access to many "members only" benefits.

Want real joy despite the difficulties of life?

Apply for the MASTER'S CARD.

Want a lasting peace?

Apply for the MASTER'S CARD.

Looking for something you can always rely on in a jam?

The MASTER'S CARD is perfect for you.

Another great thing about the MASTER'S CARD is that it never expires.

Once you're a member, you're a memberfor life...eternal life, that is.

Membership has its privileges, you know.

How do you receive the MASTER'S CARD?

Try Romans 10:9 "...if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved."

Jesus is standing by right now to take application.

Don't delay. This great offer won't last forever.

Peace, joy and hope: Invaluable.

Faith, contentment and assurance: Inestimable.

Salvation: Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy.

For those, there's the Master's Card.

Christian, why not be an advertisement for the MASTER'S CARD.

Let you life be a commercial today forJesus Christ.

DISORDER IN THE COURT

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 15th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reboks.
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? __________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you kidding me?__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh.... This is a joke, right?

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you kidding me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
__________________________________________________________

I Corinthians 14:10

Let all things be done decently and in order.

SUNDAY SING

Lord Lay Some Soul Upon My Heart
WORDS: anonymous
MUSIC: B.B. McKinney



Hear it here: http://www.hymnal.net/hymn.php?t=h&n=932


Lord lay some soul upon my heart,
And love that sould through me;
And may I bravely do my part
To win that soul for Thee.

Some soul for Thee, some soul for Thee,
This is my earnest plea;
Help me each day, on life's highway
To win some soul for Thee.

Lord, lead me to some soul in sin,
And grant that I may be
Imbued with pow'r and love to win
That soul, deal Lord, for Thee.

Some soul for Thee, some soul for Thee,
This is my earnest plea;
Help me each day, on life's highway
To win some soul for Thee.

To win that soul for Thee alone
Will be my constant prayer;
That when I've reached my heav'n-ly home
I'll meet that dear one there

Some soul for Thee, some soul for Thee,
This is my earnest plea;
Help me each day, on life's highway
To win some soul for Thee.

WHO'S SORRY NOW?

Me, that's who.

I have not devoted much time to this blog, which was originally supposed to be my personal journal and spiritual blog.

But I got side-tracked by the political scene, and my political blog, Jo-Joe Politico .

I have decided to divide...my time, that is... between the two blogs and see whether or not I can keep up.

This blog will be eclectic or electric or something like that, with a myriad of topics, opinions and philosophies.

The other, Jo-Joe Politico , will continue to be political in nature.

What I will be offering here will be my humble, but correct, opinions on just about everything.

My rules will be the same and may be read over in the right hand column.

Hope you enjoy and are blessed by this new effort.

NICE SETTING

I was sent this link in an email.

Enjoy.


http://www.openmyeyeslord.net/UltimateFreedom.htm

THE CELEBRATION

"What a day this will be!"

He was full of energy and rarin' to go.

His voice was like a thousand fingernails on a thousand chalkboards.

"Is everything ready?"

"How about the feast? Is the feast prepared?"

"What are we having? Lamb? I will LOVE eating the lamb!"

"What about the decorations? Did we have enough?"

"Do we have ample seating? There will be billions coming!"

The sun had gone down Saturday night, but he couldn't sleep.

As Sunday, the day of the celebration drew nigh, he had the mother of all caffine jitters

"What about the throne? Is the throne in place? "

"And the crown! I'll need the crown!"

"Somebody get the crown!"

"And turn off that incessant rumbling"

"What is that rumbling?"

"Is there something wrong with the sound system?"

"Why is it so loud?"

"It's hurting my ears!"

"Uh, a thousand pardons, Your Highness. But the sound system has not yet been turned on."

"Not on? What do you mean, 'Not on?'"

"I can hear it. Don't you think I know what I hear? See to it at once!"

"Yes, Your Lightship. At once."

"And why is the ground trembling?"

"We can't have the ground shaking during the celebration!"

"I can hardly stand!"

"Somebody see to it that the ground stops trembling before the celebration or there will be heads rolling!"

"And that noise! Stop the noise!"

"It hurts like...like Hell!"
"Uh, master, we need to tell you something."

"Tell me what? What do you need to tell me?"

"It's the tomb, Master. Something's wrong at the tomb."

"What 'Something's wrong at the tomb?'"

"What are you talking about? Speak up, man! What's wrong at the tomb?"

"The stone, Master. The stone has been....well, the stone has been...rolled away!"
"Say what?"

"It took eight Romans to put that stone there and Caesar put his seal on it."

"The stone CAN"T be rolled away!"

"Yes, Master, of course. No one could roll away a stone that large."

"But Master, I'm afraid the stone is rolled away!"

"Are...you...sure?"

"There must be some mistake."

"No mistake, Master. The stone is rolled away."

"Rolled away. Rolled away? ROLLED AWAY?"

"What can this mean, rolled away?"

"Could it be...nonononono. That's not possible."

Lucifer's heart was raging!

"Quickly!"

"To the tomb."

"See for myself."

"Oh no! It's gone!"

"That can only mean..."

"No."

"NO!"
"NO-OOOOOOOOOOO!"

MEANWHILE

The gates and doors were barred
And all the windows fastened down
I spent the night in sleeplessness
And rose at every sound
Half in hopeless sorrow
And half in fear the day
Would find the soldiers breakin' through
To drag us all away

And just before the sunrise
I heard something at the wall
The gate began to rattle
And a voice began to call
I hurried to the window
Looked down into the street
Expecting swords and torches
And the sound of soldiers' feet

But there was no one there but Mary
So I went down to let her in
John stood there beside me
As she told me where she'd been
She said they might have moved Him in the night
And none of us knows where
The stone's been rolled away
And now His body isn't there

We both ran toward the garden
Then John ran on ahead
We found the stone and empty tomb
Just the way that Mary said
But the winding sheet they wrapped Him in
Was just an empty shell
And how or where they'd taken Him
Was more than I could tell

Oh something strange had happened there
Just what I did not know
John believed a miracle
But I just turned to go
Circumstance and speculation
Couldn't lift me very high
'Cause I'd seen them crucify him
Then I saw him die

Back inside the house again
The guilt and anguish came
Everything I'd promised Him
Just added to my shame
When at last it came to choices
I denied I knew His name
And even if He was alive
It wouldn't be the same

But suddenly the air was filled
With a strange and sweet perfume
Light that came from everywhere
Drove the shadows from the room
And Jesus stood before me
With his arms held open wide
And I fell down on my knees
And I just clung to Him and cried

Then He raised me to my feet
And as I looked into His eyes
The love was shining out from
Him Like sunlight from the skies
Guilt in my confusion
Dissappeared in sweet release
And every fear I'd ever had
Just melted into peace

He's alive yes
He's alive Yes
He's alive and I'm forgiven
Heaven's gates are open wide
He's alive yes
He's alive
Oh He's alive and I'm forgiven
Heaven's gates are open wide

He's alive yes
He's alive
Hallelujah He's alive
He's alive and I'm forgiven
Heaven's gates are open wide

He's alive!

HE'S ALIVE

HE'S ALIVE! From: "He's Alive" by Don Francisco

Have a blessed Resurrection Sunday!

I invite you

TO A

CELEBRATION

SUNDAY AT NOON!

With Great Pride,

I, The Angel of Light

Invite you tothe

PARTY OF THE AGES

It will be a gas!

Come enjoy warmth like you've never known beforefor all eternity.

It is with joy that I announce to you

Jesus is dead!

God has lost the battle!

I have won!

Just as I knew I would!

I will now be King of the Ages!

I will sit on the throne of the Most High

I will command your respect

as I give you all the things I have been

holding for you as I have awaited this

Inevitible Day!

Don't miss out!

Come bow before me!

Come collect your wages!

BRING YOUR FRIENDS!

EVERYONE IS WELCOME!

Signed: Lucifer

Alias: Satan

CRUCIFIED

The beating had been unimaginable.

The long walk up Via Dolorosa had been long, and hot, and exhausting.

In His mortal body, Jesus had nothing left.

The ugly tree lay on the slope of the hill. Its base stretched toward the road below. Its crossbar reaching out like arms receiving a loved one.

Placing one foot behind Jesus' heel and a shoulder into his chest, the Roman gave a mighty shove.

Jesus collapsed onto the splinter-filled cross.

Seven of the eight guards manipulated Him into position and held him there.

There was no resistance.

Jesus had no strength left for that.

As one guard held the wretched man's arm against one crossbar, another placed the spike and raised the heavy mallet.

Michael looked back at the Father and pleaded, "I have a legion with me right now. Over ten thousand in number. We can go at your bidding and put a stop to this maddness. Please."

The Father's response was in that voice that did not invite argument.

"No. Stay where you are."

The mallet came down with force enough to drive the spike into the beam behind the hand.

The sound reverberated past Michael, surrounding the entire legion and echoing with deafening intensity in all of Heaven.

Lucifer chuckled in that hideous way he had.

Jesus, unable to muster the energy to do more, exhaled over His vocal chords with the sound of death.

The other arm.

The other crossbar.

Another swing of the mallet.

Heaven shook.

Michael turned away.

The Father looked on.

Lucifer snorted.

Now the feet were placed on their rest and crossed so that only one spike would be needed.

Once more the mallet.

Heaven's thunder roared.

Where there were no tears, Michael cried.

Still the Father did not move.

Lucifer hissed, "Yessssss!"

The eight men had no trouble lifting the tree and its occupant to the vertical.

They placed it over the prepared hole and dropped it in. It bottomed out with a jolt.Michael cried out with a loud voice.

The Father watched intently.

Lucifer almost danced with glee.

Jesus' body sagged at the sudden weight now pulling down on His hands and chest.His breath left Him.

When he could stand it no longer, he pushed against the footrest and raised his chest high enough to take in some air.

It was a gasp.

Then He spoke.

It was directly to God.

"Father, forgive them. They know not what they do."

Once again His body failed Him and He drooped.

One of the two being crucified next to Jesus that day, both convicted theives, looked over at the stuggling man and managed between his teeth, "If you are really the Messiah, save yourself, and us, too."

"Hey!" strained the other, "Leave him alone! Can't you see? We are getting what we deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong!"

With all he had left in that breath, he said to Jesus, "Please, remember me when you come into your kingdom."

Jesus had pulled Himself up once again."Believe me when I tell you this: today you will be with me in Paradise."

And then He slumped back down.

As he looked down He saw His mother in the crowd with the ever faithful John.

Struggling up to speak, "Blessed woman, look. He is now your son."

Collapse.

Pushing up, "Son, she will be your mother now."

The sun was bright and hot.

"I'm thirsty." It was all He could do this time.

A guard took a sponge and soaked it in sour wine vinegar.

He raised it to Jesus' lips.

Jesus recoiled.

Michael wept openly.

The Father had an expression never seen from eternity to eternity.

Now He looked no more.

He turned His back on Jesus.

The sky darkened with the breath of sin.

This time, as Jesus drew up to breathe, He could smell the eternal stinch of evil in the air.

"My God!"

Another breath of iniquity.

"My...GOD!"

Once more.

"WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?"

Michael withdrew. He could take it no longer.

The Father could not look upon sin, and so, kept His back to Jesus.

Lucifer, vomiting out the words, was beside himself with excitement, "We're winning! Im winning!"

Jesus summoned all the strength left in His ravaged body.

"Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit."

The sound filled the countryside. The corridors of Heaven shook under its pressure.

"IT"

"IS"

"F..I..N..I..S..H..E..D!"

His head dropped.

The Spirit left Him.

Lucifer sat down.

His eyes wide. His evil heart pounding.

The smell of awful victory was in the air.

"It is time for a celebration!"

HIS NAME WAS ANNAS

He was a high priest.

He shared high-priestly duties with Ciaphas because of familial and religious/political considerations.

It was on of Annas' responsibilities to oversee the affording of worship paraphernalia to those who came to the Temple for worship.

In fact, the "money changers" were all a part of a scheme called THE BAZAAR OF ANNAS.

He sold animals for sacrifice and changed currency into an "acceptable" form for giving.

Annas, himself, performed the blessing over the merchandise, declaring it "kosher."

In today's dollars, here is the way it would have worked:

Annas had "salesmen" at the tables in the outer court who sold doves that cost $2.00 each, and that would have "retailed" in the market for $6.00 a piece. Annas' price was $10.00.

Each salesman would have received $4.00 of the profit. Annas would have kept the additional $4.00 from each sale for himself.

In other words, Annas was extorting the worshippers, charging them more than the merchandise was worth, under the guise of providing them with the necessities for worship.

Jesus called Annas and his salesmen "thieves."

The question we might ask is, "Did Jesus call them thieves because they were merchandising, or because they were thieves?

According to John 18:12, Jesus was taken to Annas after His arrest in the garden.

Annas was probably miffed with Jesus.

'You know you're a redneck when......

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

6. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

7. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

8. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

9. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

10. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

11. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.

12. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

13. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

14. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

15. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

16. You have a rag for a gas cap.

17. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

18. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

20. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

21. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

22. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.

23. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

24. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

25. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

26. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

29. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

BOUDREAUX AND FRIENDS-JUST FOR FUN

Boudreaux live across the bayou from Clarence who he don like at all.

Dey all de time yell across de bayou at each other.

Boudreaux would yell to Clarence, "If I had a way to cross dis bayou, I'd come over dere an beat you up good, yeah!"

Dis went on for years.

Finally de state done built a bridge across dat bayou right by dere houses and Boudreaux's wife, Marie, say, "now is you chance, Boudreaux. Why don you go over der an beat up dat Clarence
like you say?"

Boudreaux say, "OK," and start across de bridge, but he see a sign on de bridge an he stop to read it and den he go back home.

Marie say, "Why you back so soon?"

And Boudreaux say, "Marie I dun change my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence. You know Marie, dey got a sign on dat dere bridge dat say, "Clarence 13 ft. 6 in." You know, he don look near dat big when I yell at him across the bayou."

Boudreaux, Thibodaux & St. Pierre been on dis island for 5 long years.

One day St. Pierre was walking along da beach when he found dis bottle. He brought it to da camp dey built and opened it.

A genie popped out and said,"I grant 3 wishes and since there are 3 of ya'll, you each get 1 wish.
Since you found me, St. Pierre, you get the first wish."

St. Pierre said,"I am from Cut Off and I wanna go back home." So den he was back home.

Thibodaux said,"I am from Galliano and I wanna go back home." So den Thibodaux was back home.

Boudreaux,him, he had to think a while. He said,"You know sha, I am kinda lonley, I wish my 2 podnas were back here!"

One day Boudreax and Thibodaux were watching TV.

A good commercial about a movie came on and it said, "Coming To A Theatre Near You."

Boudreaux looked at Thibodaux and said, "Thib how they know where we live?"

Thibodeaux: Boudreaux, did you get the parrot I sent you for your birthday?

Boudreaux: Yes, it was good!

Thibodeaux: You ate the bird!

Boudreaux: Of Course I ate it.

Thibodeaux: That bird spoke five different languages!

Boudreaux: Then he should have said something.

Boudreaux was at the bar every day drinking beer.

Well Thibodaux wanted to teach Boudreaux a lesson, so he told the bartender to give him a glass of water and a glass of beer.

Thibodaux went outside and found two worms.

He put one in the water and it wiggled around, he put the other one in the beer and it curled up and died.

Thibodaux asked Boudreaux, "What did you learn?"

Boudreaux said, "If I keep drinking beer I wont get worms."

Boudreaux and Thibodaux died and went to Heaven.

When they got to the Gate, they met ol' Saint Pete.

They said, "Saint Pete, beb, how you been?" and Saint Pete said, "Mais ok, sha, but ah got bad news for you Boudreaux. You been so bad on Earth, you got to spend all Eternity with a ugly woman."

Boudreaux was pretty sad but he said, "Well, if ah hafto, ah hafto."

So the next day him and his ugly woman was walking down the golden street when they saw Thibodaux and he was with Cindy Crawford!

So Boudreaux went talk to Saint Pete.

He said, "Saint Pete, sha, come see. Ah think we got a mistake here. How come Thibodaux gets Cindy Crawford and Ah got stuck with a ugly woman!"

Saint Pete said, :"Aw, Boudreaux, you dont understand! Cindy Crawford got stuck with Thibodaux!"

Thibodeaux: Boudreaux, What's the score?

Boudreaux: Seven to Ten.

Thibodeaux: Who's winning?

Boudreaux: The ten.

One day Boudreaux saw Thibodeaux and asked him why he was so bruised up.

Thibodeaux replied that he had been riding a bull, and his foot got stuck when he fell off.

The bull kept dragging him around until the Wal-Mart manager came and unplugged it.

A signal adventure: Dan Burkhalter, the Carencro Curmudgeon, tells of the time Boudreaux and Thibodeaux went hunting and got lost in the woods.

When Boudreaux began lamenting their fate, Thibodeaux said, "You know, I heard that the best thing to do if you get lost is to fire three shots in the air."

So they did that, and waited a while. When no rescue party showed up, they fired three more shots in the air.

Finally, when there was still no response, Thibodeaux said, "Well, I guess we better fire three more shots."

"OK, if you say so," said Boudreaux. "But somebody better come soon-- we're about out of arrows!"

Boudreaux was sitting in the City Bar in Maurice, La. one Saturday night, and had several beers under his belt.

After a while, he looks at the guy sitting next to him, and asks him, "Hey, you wanna hear a good Aggie joke, you?

The big guy replies, "Let me tell you something. I'm an oilfield roughneck, I weigh 270 pounds, and I don't like Cajuns. My buddy here is a pro football player, weighs 300 pounds, and he doesn't like Cajuns either. His friend on his other side, is a professional wrestler, weighs 320 pounds, always has a chip on his shoulder, and he likes Cajuns even less than we do, and we are all Aggies. Do you really want to tell us an Aggie joke ?"

Boudreaux, all 150 pounds of Cajun attitude, tells him, "Well, I guess not. After all I don't want to have to explain it three times !"

A long time ago, Boudreaux and Thibodeaux decided to go out west.

They were in a covered wagon but somehow got separated from the wagon train.

Boudreaux was in the front driving while Thibodeaux was relaxing in the back. All of a sudden, Boudreaux heard a yell from Thibodeaux in the back: "Hey, Boudreaux, there's Indians on horses back here chasing us."

Boudreaux said, "Thibodeaux, how big are they?"

Holding his finger and thumb about 2 inches apart, Thibodeaux said, "Mais, Boudreaux, they only about this big."

"That's okay, Thibodeaux," Boudreaux said. "Tell me when dey get bigger."

About ten minutes later, Boudreaux yelled out, "Hey, Thibodeaux, how big are those Indians?"

"Mais, Boudreaux, dey are about tree feet tall."

Boudreaux yelled back, "That's still okay, Thibodeaux, but tell me when dey get bigger."

Ten minutes after that, Boudreaux cried out again, "Thibodeaux, how big are those Indians now."

"Mais, Boudreaux, dey as big as you and me!!"

"Well, shoot 'em!" screamed Boudreaux, "shoot 'em!"

"Mais, Boudreaux, I can't," said Thibodeaux, holding his finger and thumb about 2 inches apart. "I've known 'em since they was dis big!"

A PUN MY WORD II

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in
his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. "How To Be An Insurance Salesman" by Justin Case.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

WHAT PETS WRITE IN THEIR DIARIES

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


Excerpts from a Cat 's Daily Diary...

Day 983 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The Difference Between Dogs and Cats

The dog looks up at me and says:

You feed me;

You pet me;

You play with me;

You give me a home;

You give me a bed;

YOU MUST BE GOD!


The cat looks disdainfully at me and says:

You feed me;

You pet me;

You play with me;

You give me a home;

You give me a bed;

I MUST BE GOD

TAKE THE A TRAIN with STEVE GADD

I know, it's Sunday and we're supposed to play "spiritual" music.

Well, I'm of the unpopular opinion that all music has a spiritual dimension to it.

This is nine minutes long, but really worth it.

I found about it from, of all places, a usually political blog called, Snaggletoothie , which I highly recommend daily, but this was special.

I found the bass solo to be exceptional and the drum solo one of the best I've heard since Gene Krupa or Buddy Rich.

Give it a listen.

It's well done.

A PUN MY WORD

This was sent to me in an email.

A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN RE-WORD

Energizer bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always B-negative.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)

A backwards poet writes inverse.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat minor.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.